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Humor - we need so much to laugh

The admiral was vacuuming the room today, she says: “That vacuum cleaner doesn't suck anymore.”
I say: “See if the vacuum cleaner is wearing a wedding ring?” Alien

After that comment, I decided not to ask her what we were having for dinner today. I hope it's fish, because chewing is still a bit difficult. Pills
 
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'​
Click to expand...
 

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.​

While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.

The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.

The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.

When in the USA, his wife came up to him and said:

"I really love what you just did for my mom. That proves me that you actually loved my mother and you respected her"

Man: Babe, are you crazy?! Those Israelis are the same people who buried Jesus and three days later he came back to life. I'm not about to take that risk with your mother.
 
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